poker face

so... here i am, wondering once again what the hell is going on in my head. I really hate disappointing people, but still trying to learn to do the right thing. I was somehow proud of being able to hide what i feel, now it seems it's not that cool =s but doesn't showing it doesn't mean it isn't there!

i have this bunch of stupid random useless ideas that i just need to take out, although they probably dont make any sense... it's kind of stupid to hope for someone to know me if i don't even show the real me. it's also interesting to see how your life goes according to the original plan, and how hard it is to change its course. well, i guess time will eventually decide, but just for a change it would be nice to have it your way at least once.

who knows, maybe things happen the way they do because of the circumstances and blaming it on the situation is just irrational. maybe all the mistakes i regret making helped to make this work, and even perhaps the hateful poker face had its part in making this possible. i guess i wouldn't change a thing, but of course i wish i had control!

unfortunately (sometimes) life goes on, and it won't wait until i'm finished groaning... i gotta keep walking, changing, learning, living as if today was the last chance i have to make a difference in the world (that goes for you too). And yes, maybe i'll hide my feelings and thoughts and keep wise distance and you won't know what's going on, but i can assure there's a whole lot of things happeing behind this shield.

Practical vs silly

Haven't you ever thought about how real is your life? or at what point what seemed real is nothing more that just your mind wanting to make it feel real? haha i guess the best way to let this out is writing about it, it's so hard to talk about this with someone! especially when you dont want to ruin or question someone's happiness or hopes =p

lately i've been thinking about feelings... what if feelings aren't really all that deep stuff about the heart and the chosen one and the sparks? what if it's just another trick? i mean, our mind plays a lot of dirty tricks on us and we barely notice, wouldn't be the first time! assuming this is true, then the real question is: how can i control my mind and feel whatever i want to feel? all that dramatic situations of "i cant get him/her out of my head", "i dont want him/her anymore" and "i wish i could love you the way you deserve it" would be over! it would be amazing =p although a little preditable and maybe even boring, but certainly a lot easier! we could decide how do we want to react to any situation, who to love, who to miss, who to let go!

on the other hand, the sad part is that all the magic and disney stories we were told long time ago would mean nothing. I know it's quite stupid, but it's nice to believe there's something further, some kind of surprise or magic or that something that makes life exciting! It's like wanting to choose whether to be boring, realistic and practical or being impractical, drama queen (sort of) and silly. That's the dilemma =p

happy ending

right now i'm less than inspired =p but today some guy made me think about love (specially when valentine's day is so close) and i found really cheesy to talk about this with someone... so i think the best option is to make a blog entry =p

firstly, i'm confused about the so often called happy ending (in the couple-love way)... does it refer to a long term or short term dream? i guess it depends on every person's perspective... but for me it's a long term thing, i don't understand how people can be in a relationship with a partner who they barely stand just to avoid feeling alone =S perhaps i'm obsessed with "perfection" (such an ambiguous term)... i do really think people get to know each other in a relationship to study compatibility (as well as to obtain all the other benefits that are expected in a normal friendship). someone once told me that a boy/girlfriend is nothing else than a very very special friend, but a friend in the end.

i haven't decided whether it's a flaw or not, but i think the only way i can really give everything in my power to make a relationship work is if the guy is like THE guy =s so unconvenient...
in fact, talking about THE guy, maybe i'm just paranoid but i think when you are really into someone your behavior changes (not just with him but with everyone) into the behavior you feel he will like the most, or even worse! in a behavior more similar to his! (unconsciously of course). i think i start shaping myself, the way i talk to him, to way i act around him, the way i have to pretend i don't care, the way i talk to other ppl about him... all of this without knowing what i'm doing or why =p it's annoying, it's like i'm living in a fairy tale i created for me.

i've lost the point of this post =p it's just i've been thinking about this lately and i still don't seem to know how to express this i have inside... one thing i do know deep down is that without real friends to hear, stand, support and try to understand me my life would be such a mess =p

"But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."